


The Emotional Trauma

by Bathenafan14



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24165262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bathenafan14/pseuds/Bathenafan14
Summary: The physical pain is healing. With the help of Dr. Sanford Athena starts to focus on the emotional and mental aspects of her traumatic experience.**spoilers for 3x18
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash
Comments: 148
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

Athena stared at the folder Dr. Sandford had left for her. It was her folder. With her trauma inside the pages. Athena sipped her wine and continued to stare at it. A small part of her wondered if she should get drunk before taking a look inside. She didn't know if she could handle reliving what was written on the pages without it. There was already one moment from that night that played on a loop in her head everytime she closed her eyes, haunting her dreams, and leading to nights of unrest. It was her first clear memory after the attack. Athena shook herself. No. She didn't need to think about it right now. It already plagued her when she slept, she didn't need to plague her while she was awake too. 

Athena flipped the file open. She remained leaning back in her chair so she couldn't really read what was written. But it didn't matter. Her eyes were drawn to the picture of her face. Bloodied and bruised. Then the image she had been trying to shove away in her mind slowly came creeping back. Athena shoved it away more forcefully this time, however it was still lingering in the background. Athena leaned forward and read the first line of the file. Then the next. The image in her mind grew clearer again with each sentence until she could no longer see the words on the page, only the look on Bobby's face. She slammed the file shut, slamming her mind shut on the image as well. It worked. For now. But Athena knew the haunting image would be back soon.

Athena took a long sip from her glass. She was grateful Bobby was on shift tonight. She didn't know how much longer she could keep this from him. Athena didn't exactly know what this was yet. The bruises on her face were healing, but were still visible enough that they somewhat concealed how little sleep she was getting. She couldn't sleep, not even when Bobby was home. Or was it especially when Bobby was home? Did she sleep worse knowing he was sleeping beside her and his face was all she would see when she closed her eyes? Athena didn't know. She was tired. The physical pain was healing, but the emotional pain, well that she was only just starting to feel, and it wasn't going away anytime soon. 

She picked up the file and tucked it under her harm. Athena carried it with her to the bedroom. She wasn't going to leave it out for the kids to find. Athena finished her wine and got into bed preparing for a restless night's sleep. At some point sleep finally washed over her. She slept for a few hours then it happened. She was back lying on the stretcher. She could hear voices but couldn't identify them. She was scared. She was in pain, but her memory went fuzzy and she couldn't comprehend why she couldn't move. She called out for Bobby. Then she saw his face. Why did he look like that? She felt herself panic. What happened to her? Was she dying? Oh God she was dying! She felt his hand touch her shoulder, but couldn't hear the words he was saying. She was too consumed in her panic. 

Athena sat up and rubbed her eyes. She groaned noticing it was only two in the morning. She switched on her light knowing she wasn't going to get much sleep anytime soon. She picked up the file and opened it, determined to read through it. An hour later she made it to the end. She was shaking and tears were dried on her face. She felt sick. She flipped back a few pages. Why didn't she call for back up sooner? Why did she go in alone? How was she be that careless? She knew better. How could she do this to her family? To Bobby? To her kids? They were scared and it was her fault. Athena walked herself back through it. She gave her location to dispatch, she'd gone in, she called for back up. Then she was in the ambulance. How did she get there? What happened between the start of the attack, the first blow, and the ambulance? She read it in the file. He had attacked her and she fought him. Her mic was cued so dispatch could hear her and sent help. Athena finally managed to shoot him with her gun. But Athena didn't remember any of it. Athena tried to remember, but she couldn't. All she remembered was the guy's first strike to her head and then the ambulance. Dr. Sandford was right. Athena did not feel better not knowing what happened. She felt powerless. How was she supposed to get through this if she couldn't remember what happened? How could she trust herself? Could she ever stop blaming Bobby for terrifying her if she she couldn't remember?

That last question gave Athena pause. Did she blame Bobby? Really? He made her think she was dying. His terrified face was the first thing she remembers clearly. Bobby was nothing but supportive, but did he cause her to feel this scared. Athena stopped herself. Of course he didn't didn't do it intentionally. But if he knew everything why did he look at her like she was dying? Why would he scare her like that? She wasn't dying. Some bruises and a broken arm, nothing life threatening. Again, Athena wracked her brain trying to figure out why he looked at her like her life was in the balance. Athena stared at the ceiling, questions swirled in her head making her realize she wasn't going to get much more sleep if she even got any more.

First thing in the morning, at an appropriate time, she called Dr. Sanford and told her she was ready to talk. Athena wasn't quite sure if she was ready to walk through the trauma, but she was ready to start talking. Over breakfast she told the kids Dr. Sanford would be coming over in a little bit. The kids disappeared into their rooms to do homework or play video games. Athena made tea then took Dr. Sandford out onto the patio. She told Dr. Sanford how she was feeling.

"I can't shake the image of Bobby's face from my mind. It haunts me. What did I do to make him think I was dying?" Athena asked her.

"What happened to you that caused him to react the way he did." Dr. Sanford corrected. It was important that Athena hear her question in a way that did not put the blame on herself the way Athena had phrase it did. "You didn't do it. It happened to you."

Athena nodded. "I read your file. I know my mic was cued to dispatch and my husband's team responded."

"Have you asked him?"

Athena shook her head. "I told him I didn't want to. I wasn't ready. How am I supposed to tell him this?" Athena hated she was blaming him. But also was angry at him for making her feel this way. She couldn't tell him that.

"You and I can only guess what he might say. The only way you'll know is if you talk to him."

"And tell him what?

"That's up to you. What you tell him is your choice. You don't have to tell him anything you're not ready to tell him."

"Can I ask if he can fill in any of the gaps in my memory."

Dr. Sandford nodded. "Of course. Just be careful not to substitute his feelings and reactions for your own. Even if you can't remember you have your own feelings and recollection of what happened."

Athena nodded. "Okay. I guess my next step is talking to Bobby."

"Call me when you want to talk again." Dr. Sanford replied.

"I will. Thank you Kara."

"You're welcome Athena."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena decides to ask Bobby about that night, but will she get the answers she's looking for?

"Hey, what are you doing out here?" Bobby asked closing the sliding door behind him.

"It's a nice out." Athena replied. Though she had a light blanket draped over her legs.

Bobby sat down in the chair beside her. It was a nice night. "How was your day?"

"Fine." She replied. "Kara came by again this morning."

"The victim's advocate?" Bobby asked leaning forward in his chair.

Athena nodded. She didn't know if she should say anything. She opened the door for a conversation, but was she ready to have it? "I'm still not ready to talk about all of it."

"That's okay." Bobby soothed putting a hand on her knee. "We can talk about all of it, some of it, or none of it. All on your time." Bobby had alot of questions and feelings. Athena had been clear about her unwillingness to discuss the accident in the week since it had happened, so he was trying to respect her space. Honestly, Bobby was still working through alot of it himself. Of course he didn't expect to have all the answers at once, but he hoped over time, when she was ready, they would talk about what happened.

"I know." Athena smiled. Bobby stood to leave thinking the conversation was over. "Wait." Athena said quietly. Bobby sat back down. "I... I do want to ask you something." 

"Anything." Bobby told her.

"That night. I…I don't remember much of it." She paused. "Kara had a whole file about it. I read it last night." She didn't tell him last night really meant two in the morning or that she cried all the way through it. "I just remember him attacking me and then the next thing I remember is the ambulance. I thought maybe you could help fill in some gaps." She chanced at look at Bobby.

Bobby held his breath. He hadn't told Athena what he had seen and heard that night. He only told her that the 118 had responded to the call. "What do you want to know?" He asked nervously. 

"Everything you can tell me. I read the file so I know what happened. What I don't know is what you know. What did you know and when did you know it?" She stopped short of telling him she didn't understand why, in the back of that ambulance, he looked at her like she was dying.

"Are you sure you want to hear this?" Bobby warned. Truthfully he wasn't sure he wanted to tell her, it would be painful for both of them, but if it helped her heal, he would tell her anything. 

Athena nodded. "I'll let you know if it's too much." She told him.

"Promise?" Bobby looked her sternly. He definitely did not want to push her on this.

"Promise." She told him.

"We were wrapping up a call when the report came in from dispatch. Dispatch said there an officer on an open mic in distress and gave your call number. We could hear the noise your mic was picking up from the fight over the radio."

"My mic was still on." Athena repeated. Of course she read that in the file, but it felt different to hear Bobby say it. 

Bobby nodded. "You were in the middle of calling for back up when he attacked. Your mic was never turned off."

"I remember that part." Athena said. "I didn't know my mic was still on at the time. Everything happened so fast. Then after he attacked, well, I wasn't thinking about the radio." 

Bobby just nodded. He remembered the sound of a fight over the radio after the dispatcher stopped talking. Athena was too busy fighting for her life to give a damn or notice if her radio was still connected to dispatch. "It was lucky. Maddie was able to hear him attack you and called in back up immediately." Bobby didn't want to think about what could have happened if her mic had been off.

Athena just nodded. "So you heard the call on the radio. Then what happened?"

"I…we…I could hear you, you know because the mic was still transmitting over the radio." He didn't know how much to say or if he should give her any details.

"What did you hear?" Athena asked and then braced herself for his reply. She honestly didn't know what he was going to say because she couldn't remember anything else about the attack. 

Bobby got quiet. It was still hard for him to think about. The thuds sounding in his ears as she was slammed against the wall. Her cries of pain as her attacker landed another blow. He cleared his throat. "Everything. Every punch, every slam against the wall. The sounds of a fight, a struggle. Dispatch told us to change channels, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave you. I couldn't stop listening." He felt his throat start to burn as the emotions bubbled to the surface. "I heard him throw you against the wall or onto the floor and then a gun went off and you went silent."

"Stop." Athena said sharply as she got to her feet. She turned away from him to hide her face. Athena wasn't ready to go there. She knew from the report that she had grabbed her gun and fired, but why couldn't she remember that. In thirty years not once had she discharged her weapon, except in trainings at the shooting range. She was angry for not remembering. That specific detail was important to her. How could she trust herself if she couldn't remember something as important as firing her weapon. In her mind Athena compared what Bobby told her to what she read in Dr. Sanford's file. Not that she thought he was lying. She was trying to get the full picture of what happened.

"Athena." Bobby said gently when she was still facing away from him after several minutes.

"I'm fine." She said quietly. She clearly wasn't. 

"When that gun went off." Bobby stopped. Athena went rigid. She didn't know if she was ready to hear what he thought. Slowly she turned back around. Bobby continued when she was silent. "I didn't know who fired the gun. You lost consciousness. You went silent on us. On me." Bobby looked ready to break. He thought about the remainder of the drive to the storage place and then walking inside and finding her slumped against the wall surrounded by her colleagues. "For five minutes I thought you were dead Athena." He said it more forcefully than he intended. He saw her sway on the spot at his words. 

Athena felt the air had been knocked out of her lungs. "Damn it Bobby." Athena squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't handle his emotions right now. Athena was having enough problems with her own. She did the only thing she felt safe doing, she put up her defenses. Athena remembered what Dr. Sanford said about not blaming herself but she felt she deserved most the blame still. Athena tried to shift some of that blame. Athena didn't know why she was so angry. Maybe because Bobby knew exactly what happened and she couldn't remember anything. Or because he knew exactly how bad it was while she was still trying to distance herself from it. Athena felt violated because Bobby knew more about what happened to her than she did. She was jealous of his knowledge. She was horrified to learn the truth and she didn't know what to do with that information. She wasn't ready to go there yet, she just wanted to know what happened, but now she couldn't unhear what Bobby had said. 

Unfortunately, for him, Bobby became the target of her anger and blame. "Why didn't you change the channel? Why did you torture yourself with that? You didn't have to hear any of that. You shouldn't have! How could you do this to me?" She yelled at him trying to relieve the pressure she felt on herself.

Bobby was taken aback. He understood Athena was lashing out, but Bobby's emotions had boiled over too. "I needed to know you were still alive! I've already lost one wife Athena, I can't lose you too!" He shouted at her. "Imagine for a moment how I felt. I could have lost you!" Bobby didn't know why he was yelling at her. Obviously it wasn't going to help either of them, but Bobby let his emotions get the best of him. He had almost lost her, could have lost her that night and he was still struggling with that, even if she couldn't see it because she was too deep in her own trauma to notice his.

"This conversation is over!" Athena was trembling from head to toe, a mix of anger and fear. She headed inside without another look at Bobby. This was a bad idea she told herself. Athena locked herself in the bathroom and cried. She felt out of control. How was she supposed to get past something she couldn't remember and everyone else clearly did? She resented them for their knowledge and memories. She hated that her husband had vivid memories of that night and she didn't. She cried harder, stuffing a towel into her mouth to muffle her sobs in case Bobby came in from outside. She didn't think that conversation could have gone worse. Since when she did she and Bobby talk to eachother like that? Now that the emergency had passed, Athena felt the cracks deepen as the trauma began to put stress on their relationship. Doubt and fear took hold of Athena. "Maybe" a voice in Athena's hear whispered, "Maybe their marriage wasn't strong enough to handle the trauma."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena makes a suggestion to Bobby about what's next.

The next morning Athena heard the shower running when she woke up. She slipped into the kitchen and made coffee.

"Hey." Bobby greeted coming in. 

"Morning." Athena couldn't help by smile as he leaned past her to grab a cup. It was his smell that put a smile on her face. 

Silence filled the room while they sipped their coffee. Neither looking at the other, the words shared last night still on both their minds.

Bobby set his cup down. "I better get to work."

"Okay." Athena replied. 

"Athena." He said and she looked up at him. "I'm not going to work mad at you." He kissed her. "I love you."

She wanted to say she wasn't mad at him, but she couldn't find the words without getting into what happened last night, and they did not have time for that this morning. Instead Athena put her hand on his cheek. "I love you too."

Bobby kissed her again. This time a little longer than before. For a moment the tension and stress left both of them. But when they broke apart it returned, settling inside both of them. Bobby walked out the door and Athena released her breath when she heard the door click shut behind him.

Hen shared a look with Buck as the pair walked across the loft to where Bobby was making breakfast.

"You okay Cap?" Hen slid into a barstool at the counter. 

Bobby set down his spoon. "Not even close."

"Do you want to talk about?" Buck handed Hen a cup of coffee. "Or keep angrily mixing pancake batter?" He raised an eyebrow at a Bobby.

"What I really want to do, I'm not going to do." Bobby said pointedly looking between them and back to the bowl. He twirled the whisk extra hard spilling some batter over the side of the bowl. Booby sighed heavily. Hen and Buck shared a worried look, they both knew he was talking about drinking. 

"Okay." Hen gently pulled the bowl away from Bobby. "Why don't you take a seat. I'll finish the pancakes. She got up and moved around the kitchen. Bobby took her vacant seat and Buck sat next to him.

Buck looked at Bobby. He couldn't remember a time he'd seen his captain look less like himself, other than the time he and Hen found him drunk in his apartment a couple years ago.

"Last night wasn't good." Bobby admitted.

"At home?" Buck asked.

Bobby nodded. "I yelled at Athena. Well, first she yelled at me and then I yelled back."

Buck watched Hen flip some pancakes. 

"Oh this doesn't feel good." Eddie surveyed the room as he and Chimney joined the others. Buck had a hand on Bobby's shoulder and Hen was making breakfast.

"Bobby's having a tough time." Hen explained gently.

"Things hard at home?" Eddie questioned. He knew he and alot of his fellow vets struggled with home life after the trauma of war. Eddie figured a traumatic thing like what Athena and Bobby went through wasn't much different.

"We sort of had a fight. Well, we weren't actually fighting just yelling at each other. I don't even know what to call it." Bobby rubbed his face.

"What were you yelling about?" Chimney asked pouring way too much syrup on his pancakes.

Bobby was quiet for a minute. He didn't know how much to share. He wanted their help and advice, while at the same time he wanted to respect Athena's privacy as she continued to work through the trauma. "She doesn't remember anything from that night." He looked around at his team, "I know we all do."

"And we aren't going to forget it." Buck added. 

Bobby nodded. He knew they were all going through some degree of shock following that night. Athena was their friend, a member of their families too. "She asked me to tell her what happened that night."

"And you thought it was a good idea?" Hen was surprised. She wasn't only concerned about Athena's reaction, but Bobby's wellbeing as he walked himself back through the trauma as he recalled that night. Hen had been in the ambulance with them. She saw how terrified he was. How much seeing Athena like that broke him.

"Honestly it was stupid." Bobby now realized. "I should have known she wasn't ready to hear it."

"Hey," Eddie put his hand on Bobby's shoulder. "You just wanted to help her. She asked and you were trying to help."

"Well it had the opposite effect. I only made things worst." Bobby took a bite of food even though he didn't feel hungry any more. "She got mad at me for listening to the radio. I yelled back. And then she stormed off." Bobby sighed. "I think she's angry she doesn't remember and I do. Does she think she's the only one who was traumatized? Can't she see how much it traumatized me?"

"Your trauma matters too." Hen told him. "You both reacted poorly, but don't blame yourself or her. Be gentle to yourself and each other. Try to be patient."

"Have you talked to someone?" Buck asked. "Maybe you need to work through your own feelings before you help Athena."

"I think that's a good idea." Chimney added. "How can you help her without helping yourself."

"We're here for you Cap." Eddie smiled. "But maybe talking to a professional might be more beneficial, as talented as we are, we aren't trained therapists or trauma specialists."

Bobby nodded again. "Thanks." He picked up his fork again and the conversation shifted to lighter topics before the bell rang out interrupting their meal.

**

"Hello Athena."

"Kara, come on in. Can I get you anything? Water coffee? Tea?"

"I'm good thank you." Kara responded. "How are you doing today?" Kara asked once they were settled outside.

"I read your file." Athena said gesturing to it. "I saw flashes of what happened as I read it. Not everything, but now I think I remember how my arm got broken."

"Reading about what happened can sometimes help jog your memory. We can go through it if you're ready."

"I'm not there yet." She wasn't ready to walk through each detail again. "I called because I tried to talk to Bobby last night." Athena told her.

"Tried?" Kara questioned.

"We talked. It didn't end well." 

"How so?" Kara twirled her pen between her fingers tips.

"He told me what happened that night from his prospective. You know, what he saw. And it ended in us yelling at each other. I got so angry."

"Angry at him?"

Athena nodded. "It was going okay until Bobby mentioned hearing the gun go off over the radio."

"Are you angry at him for hearing the attack?"

"I…I" Athena was shocked Kara was on the right track.

"It's not uncommon for those who have experienced trauma and don't remember to resent those who do remember it, especially if it's a loved one or family member." Kara explained.

"I'm angry at myself for making him have to hear it, but yes, I'm also angry he heard it." Athena turned to look out over the yard. "I answered my question from the other day." She changed the topic slightly. "I know why Bobby was looking at me like I was dying in the ambulance." She turned back to Kara, "Because for the time between when he heard the gun go off to when he found me, he thought I was dead. Everyone thought I was dead. I feel responsible for that. It scared the hell out of him and I don't know how to fix that."

"Do you think he blames you for that? Do you blame yourself?

Athena shrugged, "I don't know. What I can tell you for certain is that if this tears my marriage apart I will feel responsible for that."

"What happened to you is not your fault." Kara reminded Athena. "I know we're here to talk to about you, but your family is an important part of your support team and recovery. Are you seeing a trauma counselor?"

"I'm talking to you aren't I?"

Kara smiled, "I'm not a trauma counselor. I'm a victim's advocate. I'm here to help you be confortable testifying in court. A trauma counselor can help you and your husband process your trauma. They may be able to help your brain unlock what happened that night."

"We have them on staff for the department. Both police and fire." Athena told Kara. Athena herself had seen one a few times in her career for specific incidents.

"I recommend you see one. Either someone with the department or," She reached into her bag and pulled put a business card. "Here's a local trauma counselor I've referred clients to before."

"Thank you." Athena took the card. "Listen, I'm sorry I keep calling you and am not ready yet to go through the file."

"We'll get there. When you're ready." Kara said softly. She wasn't worried. Athena was being much more open about her trauma than their first meeting. She could see Athena was making progress.

**

"I'm home!" Bobby called out.

"Kitchen!" Athena replied. 

Bobby came in and put his hands on her shoulders. He was about to kiss her cheek when Athena flinched instinctively. "Sorry." Bobby immediately pulled his hands away.

"I'm sorry." Athena said reaching for his hand. She felt bad for flinching at his touch but couldn't help it. He had startled her. "I was just startled. Take a seat." She dropped his hand and pat the table. Bobby sat down and looked expectantly at her. He wondered if she was going to ask him more questions. After what happened last night he wanted to avoid any talk about what happened. "I want you to hear me out before you say anything." She paused and he nodded. "I think we both need to see a trauma counselor." Athena spoke slowly trying to gauge his reaction. "What happened was traumatic and stressful for both of us. I think we both need help dealing with our feelings. I don't want us to keep hurting each other." Athena vaguely referrenced their fight the previous night.

"I don't want to hurt you. Baby, I'm sorry I yelled last night. I think this is affecting me more than I realized. I'm sorry I yelled at you. You know I don't blame you for any of it. I'm so glad you are safe. I will see a trauma counselor."

Athena cast her gaze down. She wasn't ready to talk about blame just yet. "I'm going to see a trauma counselor too. Maybe down the road you and I can do some joint sessions and work on our joint trauma." 

"Okay." Bobby agreed. "Wait, aren't you already seeing Kara?"

"Kara isn't a trauma counselor. Her job is to help me feel ready to go testify in court. It was actually her idea that we both see a trauma counselor." 

"I think it's a good idea." Bobby didn't tell her his team thoight it was a good idea as well. 

"Me too." Athena nodded. She hoped they could mend the damage before the cracks got any deeper.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena and Bobby both go to therapy and Athena finally learns what really happened that night.

"Bobby, how are you doing today?" Frank asked after Bobby was settled on the couch.

Bobby chuckled. "That feels a bit like a loaded question."

"How so?'

"Oh there are so many ways to go. I could say I'm fine, but we both know that's a lie. I say I'm not fine and you ask what's on my mind or what I'm feeling." Bobby went on. "I'm an addict and an alcoholic. I've done some therapy in the past."

"Did you find it helpful?"

"I'm here now aren't I? Bobby shrugged.

"Were you mandated to come for work?" Frank asked. He liked his clients to tell him precisely why they were there in their own words.

"My wife suggested it." Bobby nervously played with his wedding band. 

"Does she think you need to be here?" Bobby nodded. "Do you think you need to be here?" Again Bobby nodded. "Why do you think you need to be here?"

"My wife, she's a police sergeant with the LAPD. She got injured in the line of duty last week. She got attacked and was on an open mic. Me and my team were the responding fire unit."

"What is an open mic?" 

"Her radio was on so we could all eh, hear her. We heard the attack." Bobby paused and again went back to nervously playing with his wedding band. "We know the risks of the job. We've both been doing this for awhile. But to see it. To hear it. That was something I could have never prepared myself for."

"What did you see?"

"I heard what happened before I saw anything."

"Okay." Frank nodded from him to continue.

"Call came in over the radio from dispatch about an officer in distress. For a fraction of a second I had a normal amount of concern. Then I heard the call number."

"Call number?"

"Number assigned to each officer. Sort of like a name tag." Bobby explained. "When I heard her number everything went numb for a moment. Then I did what I've been trained to do. Respond to an emergency."

"So then you made it to the scene?"

Bobby shook his head. "Then I…we…I heard the fight over her open radio."

"What did you hear?

"Fighting." Bobby felt anxiety creep up his spine as the feelings from that night began to resurface.

"Close your eyes." Frank instructed. "Now, go back to that night. Tell me what you hear."

Bobby was quiet for several moments. "Thuds. Someone is being slammed against the wall. I hear…I can hear the higher pitched tone of her grunts. Another thud. Silence. Then…" Bobby eyes snapped open. He realized he's panting heavily, his pulse os racing, and his heart felt ready to jump put of his chest.

"You're okay." Frank said gently. He knew whatever came next, that's what Bobby was struggling with.

Bobby rubbed his neck trying to slow the pounding of his heart in his chest. 

"Bobby take a breath." Frank told him.

"I'm sorry." Bobby apologized. 

"Don't be. This is a safe place. Take your time." Frank spoke gently.

Bobby took a few more deep breathes. "Then a gun went off. I…I... didn't know who shot who. The radio went silent after that. I thought she was dead. I can't get past that feeling. I keep going back to what if. That gun shot haunts me all day and all night. When I look at her, that's all I can think about. How do I get past that?"

**

"I don't know where to begin." Athena said to Frank. "I don't know how. I only remember the attack in flashes. They come randomly and as far as I can tell not in any particular order." 

"What do you remember?" Frank asked.

"I remember calling my colleague. Then I called in my location to dispatch and pulled out my weapon. I walked up the stairs." Athena could see it in her mind. "I started walking around. I found a storage unit that looked like someone was living in. I started to called in for back up and that when he came up from behind and hit me." Athena stopped. "I don't remember anything from the fight."

"What's the next thing you do remember?" 

"I'm in the ambulance. I thought I was dying."

"What gave you that impression?"

"The look on my husband's face." Athena didn't say it angrily but there definitely some complicated emotions underlaying her tone.

"Be more specific. What did you see in his face?"

"He was scared, terrfied. He looked like he was the one in physical pain. He looked liked like he was scared to touch me, scared to say anything or move. He was just staring. I could feel his pain. His eyes were sad, almost like he was going to start crying. That's the image I can't seem to get past. It haunts my dreams. When he looks at me, sometimes I feel like he's looking at me like that again. I did that to him."

"What happened was not your fault." Frank reminded her.

"Everyone keeps saying that." Athena sighed. 

"Everyone?"

"My husband, my kids, my ex-husband, the victim's advocate, and now you." 

"Does it bother you?" 

Athena shook her head. "I know somewhere deep down I believe it. But when I can't remember what happened. I can only remember what I did leading up to the attack. I should have done so many thing different."

"Hindsight is always 20/20." Frank cut in. "Walk me through what you remember." He put the tip of his pen on his note paper ready to take some notes.

"I got out of my car and the coffee shop was closed. I turned around to leave and noticed the self storage building. I walked over. No one was around. I called my colleague on the case and told him where I was. I decided to have a look around, so then I checked in with dispatch. I drew my weapon and headed inside."

"Would you say that was standard procedure?" Frank questioned. Athena nodded. "So the only reason your questioning your actions was because you got attacked?"

"I'm questioning myself because my gut let me down. I've always trusted my gut and in 30 years on the force it's not once let me down. How the hell am I supposed to trust myself now?"

"But you did everything right." Frank reinforced. 

"But I should have known." Athena protested she was agree with herself.

"Be gentle with yourself. You had no way of knowing he was there. You did what you would have done any other day." Athena nodded. "I want you to say it. You did everything you were trained to do."

"I did everything I was trained to do." Athena said looking down.

"Now say it like you believe it." 

Athena gave him a small smile, "I did everything I was trained to do." This time she said it with a little more conviction.

"Good. Now when you start to question yourself I want to to say it. Preferably out loud."

"Okay." Athena nodded.

"I'll see you again next week." 

**

"Athena." Kara smiled.

Athena waved her inside. "Thanks for coming."

"Of course." Kara took a seat at the table. She noticed only one file was on the table now in front of Athena.

"I'm ready." Athena glanced down at the file.

"Okay." Kara said gently. "Take your time. Whenever you feel like you need a break we can stop. We don't have to go through it all right now."

Athena nodded and opened the file. She unclipped the pictures and set them to the side. "Where should I start?" On one side was the medical report. On the other the police report.

"Start where ever you like." Kara told her.

Athena picked the medical report. "I arrived in the ER at 8:57pm. I was conscious, but not very aware of my surroundings. My left eye was almost swollen shut and my cheek bone was bruised. My right cheek was also bruised. My nose was bleeding but not broken." Athena paused. "Explains the look on my family's faces when they saw me in that hospital been." Her eyes scanned the page to find her place and Athena continued. "Bruises spanning the left rib cage, but no fractures. Bruises also on the right rib cage but not as severe. And a closed fracture of the right arm." Athena pushed the file a few inches away, trying to seperate herself from it.

"How do you feel?"

"I'm okay." Athena eyed the pictures. "I've heard the medical stuff before. "But seeing it again." She grabbed the first picture of her bruised and bloodied face. By the time she saw her face for the first time the blood had been cleaned off. The bruises weren't pretty, but they were just bruises.

"This is going to be harder." Kara said watching Athena pick up the file again. "I'm here if you need me."

Athena looked at her than started to read. "Sergeant Grant called in a business check at 8:30. Dispatch confirmed. At 8:34 Sergeant Grant attempted to reach dispatch. On the open mic dispatch was able to hear Sergeant Grant in distress. Dispatch immediately called in back up to Sergeant Grant's location. Sergeant Grant's mic remained open. Sergeant Grant's gun discharged at 8:38 wounding the suspect. Eight squad car and latter truck 118 responded. First squad car arrived on scene at 8:42. Sergeant Grant was assessed on the scene and taken to LA General Hospital at 8:47pm. Victim was also treated and transported." Athena looked at Kara. "Still doesn't help me remember what happened."

"The police got a warrant for the video cameras in the building. It's been taken into evidence."

"There's a video?" Athena didn't how to feel about that. It meant she could really know what happened thst night. But she also knew the video would be much harder to watch than reading a report. "I'd like to see it." Even as she made the request she felt fear and anxiety filled her.

"Athena, I'm going to warn you, it's not an easy thing to watch."

"I need to know what happened that night." If she was ever going to trust herself again she needed answers. Athena needed to know what happened.

Kara nodded and pulled out her Ipad. She set it up for Athena. "Press play whenever you're ready."

Athena took several steadying breaths while she just stared at the screen. Athena pressed play:

Athena turned the corner stopping in front of an open storage unit. It looked like someone was living there. She lowered her gun and turned on her radio. The man came from her other side so she didn't see him as she was relaying instructions to dispatch. He slammed her against the wall. He wrapped his arms around her. Athena turned and tried to slam him against the wall. She felt her elbow collide with something, possibly his nose. She twisted out of his grip and turned. Before she could prepare herself, his fist collided with her left eye. He pushed her backwards and her head smacked the other wall. He threw another punch. He grabbed her by the hair and pushed her face first into the opposite wall. Athena reached for her gun, but it clattered to the ground. He slammed back against the other wall and punch her. Athena was thrown to the ground on top of her gun. Athena managed to grab it and pull the trigger before losing consciousness. 

Kara closed the Ipad. Athena was sitting with her eyes squeezed shut. Tears were still falling down her cheeks. Athena rested her elbow on the table and dropped her head into her hand. 

"You did it." Kara rubbed her back gently. "Here." Sne handed Athena a tissue which Athena gladly accepted.

"I need to call my husband." Athena pulled out her phone and dialed, her fingers shaking. Kara remained standing at her side, a hand on her back. Athena burst into fresh tears when she heard Bobby pick up. "Bobby." She cried.

"Athena. I'm here. What's wrong?" Bobby noticed his teams' heads snap up in his direction. 

"There's a video. I sa-saw what ha-happened. I'm so-sorry." Athena began crying too hard to continue.

"Don't be sorry. Are you alone?" He was worried about her.

"Ka-Ka-Kara is he-here." Athena told him.

"You're safe." Bobby said. He didn't really no what to do. He didn't get off work for several hours. Suddenly he heard a different voice.

"Mr. Nash. This is Kara."

"Hi." Bobby said. 

"Athena just saw the tape of what happened. She understandably upset and shaken, but she's okay."

"Can I talk to her?" He heard the phone change hands. "Athena, baby, it's me."

"Bobby." She whispered.

"I'm so proud of you. I know that was incredibly difficult for you. I love you. I'm sorry I can't be with you right now, but I'll be home later." 

"I love you too."

"I love you." He hung up and saw four worried expressions. "Everything's fine." He saw their expressions visibly relax. "Athena is meeting with the victim's advocate and just saw the security footage from the self storage.

"Damn." Hen shuddered.

"That couldn't have been easy." Chimney added. None of them would be able to listen to that without getting emotional, he couldn't imagine how Athena felt.

"Hey, she called to talk to you. So that's better than last week." Buck said with a smile. 

Bobby nodded. "And we both went to therapy this week."

"Progress." Eddie encouraged. 

"Yeah." Bobby nodded. He just hoped it would continue.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby and Athena have a joint therapy session. Feelings are revealed.

Bobby all but ran out of the station when his shift was over. Nobody tried to stop him. They of course all knew he was rushing home to be with Athena. Her call to him hours ago still very much on everyone's mind, especially Bobby's. He had texted her before getting in the car telling her he was on his way.

Bobby jumped down from his truck when he got home. He entered the house quietly, knowing if he barged in loudly it might scare her. He didn't see her in the living room or kitchen, and she wasn't outside. He noticed the door to the bedroom was closed. Maybe she was resting. He quietly entered the bedroom. 

"Athena?" He called out when he didn't see her in the bed.

"He-here." A shakey voice replied.

"Baby where are you?" Bobby stepped into the room.

"Closet." Came a muffled reply.

Bobby crossed the room to their closet. There he found Athena sitting on the floor. Her knees pulled up to her chest, and she was wearing one of his LAFD shirts.

"Bobby." She looked up at him with watery eyes.

"It's me." Bobby said kneeling beside her.

"I'm sorry." Athena dropped her head against his shoulder and cried some more.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Bobby held her and tried to comfort her. He had no idea what she was talking about, but that didn't matter. All he cared about was calming her down.

"Bobby! Are you home?!" May called out from somewhere in the house.

"I'll be right back." Bobby kissed Athena's head and went to see what May was calling him for. "May."

"Hi Bobby." She came down the stairs. She lowered her voice. "Is mom asleep?" Bobby shook his head.   
"Is she okay?"

Bobby shrugged. "I don't know." Bobby made his way towards the kitchen realizing suddenly how hungry he was. "What do you know?" He asked his stepdaughter. Since the accident he's realized May isn't a child who can be as easily shielded from the trauma their family was going through. Even Harry noticed, but it was easier to hide from him how bad everything was.

"Kara was here earlier. I heard her crying and Kara calmed her down. I don't know what they were talking about or what happened. After Kara left, mom said she was going to rest. I haven't seen her since, so I thought she was still sleeping."

"There is video footage from the attack. The police got it from the security cameras at the storage place." Bobby informed her. "That's what she saw earlier with Kara."

"Oh God." May looked alarmed. 

Bobby put a hand on her shoulder, "I'm going to go back in there and see how's she's doing."

May nodded, "Harry and I will start on dinner."

"Thank you." Bobby smiled. "I'll be out as soon as I know Athena is okay. He headed back to his wife.

"Athena, honey, I'm back." Bobby lowered himself to the ground beside her. "What can I do?" He hated to see her like this. Anger flared inside him towards the bastard that did this.

"Just hold me." Athena whispered back.

Bobby was struck by how small and fragile she seemed. Athena moved into his lap. Bobby wrapped his arms around her stomach. "You're safe. He can't get you. I've got you." He kissed her forehead. As he sat there holding her, a small part of him wanted to see the video. What he heard was only a tiny portion of what really happened. He thought maybe seeing it would help him too.

**

For the next few days, whenever Bobby was home, Athena was close by. She didn't talk much and didn't say anything about the video, but she just felt safer knowing he was next to her. Bobby didn't push her to say anything. He was anxious and excited for their first joint therapy session. While he agreed they both needed individual therapy, it was couples therapy that Bobby believed was going to guide their relationship through this and keep their marriage from crumbling under the stress of the trauma.

  
"I'm glad to have you both here today." Frank looked at the couple sitting on the couch across for him. "Remember this is a safe place for you to talk. Many couples find therapy is a place they can say things that they wouldn't otherwise say at home. Bobby, why don't you go first."

Bobby nodded. "I know you feel responsible and you're scared."

Frank interrupted, "Bobby. Use your I statements to talk about how you feel. Don't tell Athena how she feels."

Bobby nodded. "Right, okay." He paused and tried again. "I feel powerless because I can't take your pain away. I blame myself because I couldn't protect you. I'm angry, not at you, but at him. And I'm still grappling with how I almost lost you."

"That was really good Bobby." Frank told him. "Athena?"

"I blame myself too. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault, but I'm questioning all the decisions I made leading up to what happened. I'm angry at myself for scaring the hell out of you and our family. I don't know what to do with that feeling. I..I…" Athena didn't know if she could say it. Both Frank and Bobby waited patiently for her to speak. "I blame you." Athena looked down she felt terrible. 

Bobby looked crushed but Athena couldn't see it.  
Frank held up a hand to Bobby and addressed Athena, "Athena, can you tell Bobby why?"

Athena raised her head and turned to Bobby. Her voice shook as she tried not to cry, "The first thing I remember is being in the back of the ambulance. I thought I was dying because you looked like I was."

Bobby didn't know what to say or if he even should reply. The adrenaline was still going when he climbed into the ambulance, and the gun shot was still ringing in his ears. The truth was he thought she was dead when they arrived on the scene and hadn't gotten over it, even now.

"And sometimes when you look at me I still see that look on your face. When I close my eyes at night it's the only thing I see. I scared then hell out my myself and you, but you scared the hell out of me too." Athena told Bobby.

"Thank you Athena." Frank nodded. "Now I want you to continue using your I statements at home. It will help you focus on your feelings and not project emotions and feelings onto the other person. You are both going through this trauma, so be patient and kind to eachother. Keep talking to each other, it doesn't have to be about this, talk about anything, just keep connecting to each other."


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena begins to wonder if she'll return to work.

Both Bobby and Athena looked up when the doorbell rang. 

"I'll leave you ladies to it." Bobby walked into the bedroom knowing Kara was here to speak to Athena.

Athena led Kara in and the pair got settled at the table. Athena held her mug of tea between her hands. "I've been thinking about the tape. It's been playing on a loop in my mind. Some of it is still fuzzy and unclear, but I think the memory is slowly clearing up in my mind."

"Remember we can stop whenever you need a break." Kara reminded Athena. Athena nodded. "If you can, I'd like you to talk me through it. Any thoughts or feelings you remember."

"Can I… Is it okay if Bobby joins us? I think he needs to hear this as much as I need to go through it. And I'd like his support." 

Kara nodded. "If that's what you need, but remember this is about you."

Athena got up and walked to the bedroom. "Bobby," she poked her head in. "Will you come sit with me?"

"If you'd like me to." Bobby shut off the TV. 

"I would. I think it will be good for you too. I think we need to do this together." Athena said honestly. She offered Bobby her hand. He took it and the couple entered the kitchen.

Athena prepared herself as Kara and Bobby introduced themselves.

"Take you time." Bobby said gently.

Athena turned to Kara. It would be easier to talk to her than to see Bobby's face as she walked through that night that has traumatized both of them. Athena took a sip of tea, keenly aware of both sets of eyes on her.

"I had a gut feeling. I followed it. I.. I followed protocol." As Athena said it she felt herself believe it, a feeling she recognized as progress. Her voice took on a distant, expressionless tone, "I remember he pushed me against the wall. He wrapped his arms around me. I spun around and tried to slam him against the wall. He only tightened his grip on me. I fought. I tried to free myself from his grip. He wouldn't...I couldn't." Athena stopped. The feeling of his arms around her gave her goosebumbs.

Bobby saw Athena's face twist as she tried to keep her feelings in check. He wanted to say something, but held his tongue. Bobby knew he was here to quietly support Athena. Kara sat patiently waiting. 

"He shoved me into the wall, he punched me in the face. I saw stars. He hit my again before I could react. He grabbed my hair and shoved me face first into the wall. I tried to reach my gun. It fell out of my hand as he assaulted me and…and I dropped it." A dark feeling came over Athena. That could have been terrible. If he had noticed. If he had picked up her gun. Athena felt the tears falling, but pushed on. "He threw me against the wall again and then tossed me onto the ground. Somehow I managed to pick up my gun and fired. I survived." Athena reached out for Bobby's hand and squeezed it, but couldn't look at him. She knew she would see the pain in his expression. She knew the guilt he felt, the guilt she would feel for being the reason he felt the way he did. 

"That was really good, Athena." Kara said gently. Athena just nodded. "You survived." Again Athena nodded but she still felt a gut reaction: she should have been killed. She fucked up and it should have cost her, her life. Athena still grappled with trying to understand how she wasn't killed. 

**

"You seem to have a lot on your mind today." Frank broke the silence. Athena had been sitting on his couch for several minutes without saying a word.

"I haven't even said anything." Athena remarked. "How do you know what's on my mind?"

"I only said you have alot on your mind." Frank said. "Usually when people are this quiet on my couch it's because they don't know where to start." 

Athena sighed. "I know what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. But once I say it out loud it's out there and I can't stuff it down."

"Why would you want to stuff it down?" Frank questioned.

"Because I'm not sure what it means for my future. I don't know how to tell him."

"Bobby?"

Athena nodded. "I know I scared the hell out of him and my family. But I also scared the hell out of myself. I lost my trust and faith in myself. I can't do my job unless I can trust my gut. And it's broken. I broke my gut. It failed me. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust myself again. I don't if that part of me will heal, if it will be the same ever again. I," Athena glanced down, "I don't know if I can go back to the job."

"You don't need to decide today or next week. You aren't going back to the job tomorrow."

Athena cracked a smile. "Kara said something similar." It was a little comforting to hear the same advice. She looked at Frank, "Instead of seeing my husband's worried face staring back at me at night I now play what happened on a loop in my mind."

"Do you think criticizing your every move in hindsight is helpful?"

"I didn't say anything about criticizing myself."

"Aren't you?" Frank challenged. Athena went quiet and Frank knew he was on to something. "Athena, knowing what you know now, seeing the video, looking at the past, you can find a million things wrong with your actions. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong in the moment, as it was actually happening. For your homework this week, I want you to try, when you find yourself critiquing your actions, to acknowledge what you knew in the moment and the actions you took in the moment." Frank told her.

**  
  
While Athena threw herself into planning and hosting May's graduation party the struggle in her mind didn't stop. It was always there in the back of her head like a dull ache. She tried Frank's homework when she went to bed at night, but during the day she let herself wonder: did she need the job? Athena didn't share her thoughts with Bobby. She didn't even know how she felt, how was she supposed to explain this to him when she didn't have a clear idea yet either. 

Athena tried to keep her tone light and fun when Bobby found her arranging cupcakes and told her he knew she wanted to be back out there. Athena joked about him not being ready to have her home all the time. Secretly she was testing the waters to see what his reaction would be. Bobby thought she was being playful, lightly replying that he wouldn't mind having her at home, but that he also knew she was eager to go back to work. As he walked away Athena's smile faltered. No. She certainly was not eager to get back out there. She didn't even know if she ever would. Athena was troubled by Bobby's response. How could he be so causal about her returning when he almost saw her die in the line of duty? Did he not think this might give her pause about returning? Or worse yet, did she have no identity to him outside the uniform? Athena knew in her heart it was a stupid thing to think. Of course Bobby loved her for more than her job. But once the seed was planted in her mind, Athena couldn't shake it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tempers flare and emotions are high as the day for Athena's testimony draws nearer.

May and Harry turned and looked at Bobby as Athena stormed from the room. Athena's temper had been on a hair trigger all week. She was quick to anger and spent as much time as she could in her room, isolating herself from her family. Harry, May, and Bobby had just watched Athena yell for 5 minutes about the fireplace again. It was not the first time Athena had voiced her severe displeaure about the state of the fireplace. To her it was a daily reminder of the pain she caused. In her mind, Bobby had smashed it, not because Michael had talked him into it, but because she was attacked, which meant it was her fault. 

"Is she okay?" Harry asked.

"Of course she's not okay." May rolled her eyes at her little brother.

"May, don't give your brother attitude." Bobby sighed. Athena's behavior was slowly wearing on his patience too. "Look, you're mom is still going through a lot. This week is going to be especially challenging so please try and have a little more patience with her." It was a reminder for the kids as much as himself.

"What's special about this week?" Harry asked.

"On Thursday she's going to court to testify." Bobby told them.

"Against the guy that did this to her?" May asked, but she had a fairly good feeling she knew the answer.

Bobby nodded. "Yes. It's not going to be easy for her. We just need to keep being supportive and show her how much we love her."

"Are you okay?" May's question took Bobby by surprise a little. May had noticed Bobby's actions in the past few weeks. She knew he was going to therapy too. It was clear that what happened to Athena weighed heavily on him.

"I will be." This week was not going to be easy on him. Bobby hated the idea of Athena testifying. He knew he had to keep himself together so he could be there for her.

**

"Athena, you don't have to be in the court room for the whole thing." Kara assured her. Athena nodded and Kara continued. "I know you've testified in court before, but this will be different."

"You'll be there?" Athena questioned. 

"I will." Kara nodded.

"He'll be there?" 

Again Kara nodded. "He will. He'll be in cuffs. The bailiff will be nearby too. You'll be perfectly safe. Most of my clients prefer to focus on the attorney talking to them and not look at the defendant." She gave Athena a moment. "How are you feeling?"

"I just want to put him away for a long, long time. I feel like he's weighing on me. You know I arrested him before. The feds were too lazy to come across town to do anything and let him go." Athena was always looking over her shoulder when she left the house. She didn't feel safe. He was in custody, but that didn't stop him from getting out before. Athena knew she wouldn't feel safe until he was locked away.

"You feel responsible for that."

"I did." Athena admitted. "Now I feel like I can't move on till I'm sure he's locked away for good."

"He will be. He's not getting away this time."

**  
"I know why you need to testify, but that doesn't mean I have to like it." Bobby said as he and Athena got ready for bed. He was trying to be supportive, but the idea of letting Athena be in the same room as that man made his skin crawl. Bobby didn't want him anywhere near his wife.

"How many times have I testified in court?" Athena asked the rhetorical question. She didn't look up from where she was arranging her outfit for the next day.

"Hundreds." Bobby replied anyway.

"This is no different." Athena lied. It was different. It felt different. Athena knew it as she picked up her badge. A chilling sensation came over her. A feeling she hadn't felt in the 30 years she'd handled her badge.

"Testifying against someone you gave a speeding ticket or a traffic violation, is not the same thing as testifying against this guy." Bobby couldn't believe he had to make this argument. "I'm coming with you tomorrow." He decided. 

"Like hell you are!" Athena shouted back, turning to face him. 

"I'm not letting you go anywhere near him alone." Bobby responded. He almost growled. The guilt he felt for not being able to protect her resurfaced.

"I won't be alone. Kara will be there, the bailiff will be there, and he'll be in cuffs. I'll be fine."

"No you won't. Nothing about this is fine! Athena, nothing about you getting on that stand, having to look at him, and explain in every detail you can to the court what he did to you is fine!" Bobby was trying very hard not to take his frustration out of her, but his emotions were starting to show. He was feeling particularly defensive. 

Athena shook her head, "There you go again."

"What are you talking about?" He angrily tossed a pillow to the end of the bed.

"You. I'm talking about you and you're desire to protect me. Your hatred for this man."

"Of course I hate him." Bobby was shocked she was mad at him for hating this guy. "He hurt you. Are you seriously angry at me for wanting to keep you away from him?! Unbelievable!" Athena was making it very difficult for him to not snap. Anger and guilt clashed inside Bobby, he didn't know which was winning. All Bobby knew was it made his temper flare alarmingly high.

"I'm not angry at you for that! I just can't believe you think it's a good idea for you to be there." 

"Why wouldn't it be?" Bobby countered.

"I saw the tape Bobby." Athena told him. "I saw that look on your face when you saw him. I saw the way your gripped that axe." That Bobby scared her. That Bobby was not her husband. She didn't know who that Bobby was.

Bobby balled his fists at the memory, like his hands were tightening around the axe again. "I thought he killed you!" Athena kept her face neutral, but that reminder was like a punch to the gut. It sent shivers down her spine. "How are you mad at me for this?" Bobby was in utter disbelief. "Why are we fighting about this?"

"Because I don't trust you!" Athena raised her voice again. She watched in horror as Bobby's face crumbled. Her words were a slap in the face and she knew it. A part of her regretted it, but it was true. "I don't think you can sit in that court room and not attack him. I don't know if I can do this with you there." She could only picture him with the cold, distant face she had seen in the video as he looked down upon the man who attacked her. Athena paused and squeezed the badge into the palm of her hand even as she felt it painfully dig into her skin. "You don't have to be there. I do. It's my job." She looked down at the badge in her hand feeling nothing but anger and guilt. "It was my job."

Bobby's face changed completely as he picked up on her use of past tense, his own anger and frustration evaporating momentarily. "What do you mean was your job?" 

Athena couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't go through this again. She couldn't put her family through this again. "I quit, okay!" Athena yelled at him, her voice shaking. The anger boiling inside her for no good reason. She turned and threw her badge into the drawer, "I'm done!" It felt freeing to say for a moment, then the tidal wave of emotions came flooding out. The only way she knew how to be sure they never went through this again was to quit.

Bobby stood shocked for a moment. He couldn't believe it. Bobby would be lying if a part of him was relieved, but mostly he was troubled. He knew that deep down, in her heart, Athena didn't want to quit, fear made this decision for her. He moved across the room and did what he knew he needed to do. He wrapped Athena in his arms and held her, comforted her, and told her it was going to be okay. At first Athena resisted. She didn't want to be comforted or held. She just wanted to be angry and upset. She didn't want to deal with the emotions. She had been terrible at keeping her feelings in control and hated how she randomly burst into tears for apparently no reason, but she couldn't stop it. Feeling the tears falling reminded her once again she had been weak and let her emotions get the best of her, which only made her more upset. Bobby knew she was scared and stressed about testifying the next day. He wondered how long this had been weighing on her. How long had she been wrestling with this decision without saying a word to him? Bobby had many questions, but the most important thing for him right now was to support Athena through her testimony the following day.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena testifies

Athena had no idea how long it had been since she and Bobby had gotten into bed around eleven. She lay awake wondering what was going to happen when she set foot in the courtroom in a few hours. She heard Bobby sleeping beside her, his arm casually draped around her. It made her feel safe. Athena snuggled closer to him and felt his arm instinctively tighten around her. She tried to remind herself that she was home and safe with Bobby, but it wasn't helping. All she saw when she closed her eyes was her attacker's face. Not from that night, but from the day she arrested him for the drone incident. That night he'd come up behind her and before she could get a good look at him he had already punched her in the face making her vision blurry and hazy. Athena shivered as the attack flashed before her eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to push those memories away. Her heart pounding so forcefully in her chest Athena pressed her hand against her chest in an attempt to soothe herself. Athena thought the ache in her chest was from the pounding of her heart, but no, it was her lungs begging her to take a full breathe of air.

"Athena?" Bobby said. She was trembling in his arms which had woken him up. It took Bobby a moment for his mind to wake up and realize Athena was having a panic attack. Bobby wrapped Athena in a big bear hug, wrapping all of his limbs around her.

"Sorry." Athena whispered trying still to calm herself.

"Don't be sorry." His kissed her head. "I've got you. I'm right here baby." He soothed. 

Every night since the attack Bobby had been woken up at some point during the night. Usually it was because Athena had nightmare, yet this also wasn't Athena's first panic attack. Bobby did his best to comfort Athena and hoped maybe she'd get some sleep after it passed. Eventually Athena was still again in his arms and Bobby fell back alseep.

  
"I don't know what to wear." Athena said aloiud staring at the two outfits she had laid out the night before. One was her police uniform, what she usually wore to court. The other, slack and a blouse.

"What ever you feel comfortable in." Bobby replied. He saw the way she looked at her uniform. Athena didn't seem keen on putting it on.

"Okay," Athena picked up the blouse and slacks. "I'm going to shower. She went into the bathroom and shut the door. Bobby walked into the kitchen to make breakfast.

"Good morning." Athena yawned joining Bobby in the kitchen. 

"Here." He handed her a cup of coffee he had made for her while she was in the shower. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Not really." She answered after taking a sip.

Bobby just nodded. He wished he could do something to help her sleep, but knew there wasn't really much that he could do. "Are you sure you don't want me to come?" He was surprised to see she actually seemed to be reconsidering it.

Athena remembered what she had said last night, but she was angry and scared then. She didn't want them to both have to relive that night, but Athena felt herself reconsidering his offer. Bobby made her feel safe. When he was nearby she wasn't looking over her shoulder. Athena started to doubt whether she was strong enough to do this.

Bobby noticed her falter. "I didn't mean to push." He said quickly. "I'm merely asking again. If you want me to be there I will. If not I'll be waiting for you to come home. Just tell me what you want Athena."

"I want you to come." Athena knew she'd feel safer if he was there. Rationally she knew no harm would come to her at the hands of her attacker in the courtroom. But she wasn't thinkimg completely rationally and knowing Bobby was there was the only thing that was going to make her feel safe.

"I'll go change." He said calmly. After he was out of site Bobby let the relief sink in. He was so glad Athena changed her mind.

Meanwhile in the kitchen Harry and May joined Athena. 

"Your dad will be by in a little while." Athena announced.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"I thought you were going to court alone." May added.

"Bobby is going to come with me." Athena told them.

"I don't know how long it is going to be so, Michael will be here."

Okay." Harry shrugged. May just smiled. Secretly she was glad her mom decided to let Bobby go too. She didn't want Athena to be alone, and knew Bobby would be happy that Athena was letting him go be there for her.

"Ready?" Bobby reappeared. Athena nodded.

The drive to the courthouse was quiet. Bobby wanted to say something, but kept quiet because Athena was quiet. They had no issues getting through security and finding their way to the courtroom where they met Kara outside with the other victims. When they were allowed inside, Bobby positioned himself in the front row of the spectators seating in a place where Athena would be able to clearly see him when she took the stand.

Bobby sat quietly watching the court proceedings unfold in front of him. When Athena rose to take the stand he clenched his hands together. He couldn't imagine what was going through her mind. She looked poised and strong, she held her head high. Bobby was so damn proud.

"Sergeant, this isn't your first time in court, is it?"

"No ma'am." Athena answered the victims' attorney.

"When you testify in court, what do you usually wear?" 

Athena was a little taken aback by the queston but didn't let on. "I usually where my uniform." 

"You are not wearing your uniform today, why?"

"Usually when I'm in court I'm testifying in my capacity as an officer. Well I guess I am today too."

"Yet you aren't in uniform. How come?"

Athena looked at her attacker for a second before directing her attention back to the attorney. "Because the last time I put on my uniform doctors and nurses had to cut it off of my body the emergency room. I'm not quite ready to put it back on." Athena answered. With that the attorney guided Athena back through that night with questions about what happened. 

Bobby closed his eyes. It absolutely broke his heart to hear Athena hold her voice steady as she walked the attorney through that night. Bobby held Athena's gaze as she ended her testimony. Her eyes had searched for his and he saw the relief in them when they found his. Bobby felt tears in his eyes.

  
The ride home was quiet. Bobby left the radio on very quietly for some noise. Bobby had texted Michael when they left the courthouse. Michael then left the kids to return to work for a meeting knowing Bobby and Athena would be home soon.

When Bobby and Athena walked through the door, Harry and May were afraid to ask. 

"Your mom did great." He smiled at his stepkids.

Athena quietly agreed as her voice shook. "I did it." She said turning to look at Bobby. One look at his calm, loving face and Athena was suddenly crying. The testimony had been emotionally draining. 

Harry and May shared a look between themselves then looked at Bobby who now had his arms around Athena as her face was buried in his chest. He nodded towards the backyard and the kids quietly left to play. May gave a final look over her as she shut the sliding door behind her. Bobby gave her a reassuring nod and May smiled back.

Bobby turned his attention back to his wife. Athena was muttering into his chest. 

"I did it." She repeated as the relief of knowing that man was going to be locked away for a long time finally poured out of her.

Bobby easily scooped her up in his arms and walked over to the couch. He sat down with her in his lap. He gently kissed her head as he held her.

"I hope you found some peace." Bobby told her. He did. 

Athena raised her head. "I did. I think. I feel relieved. But it's only the begining. I'm not even close to okay."

"You still have alot of healing to do. This is a start, not the end." Bobby agreed.

"Bobby." Athena touched his face, "Thank you for coming. I'm sorry I lost my temper last night. I know you were just trying to look after me."

"I understand. I hope you know I'm just trying to help."

Athena nodded. "I'm going to go see what Harry and May are up to. I feel bad that I haven't been able to give them as much attention this week."

"They understand."

Athena shrugged, "That doesn't mean that don't deserve more." Athena kissed him and got up. "I love you."

"I love you too." Bobby also got to his feet. "I'll start dinner." He kissed her.

Bobby let his mind wander a bit as he made dinner. Bits and pieces of the court events played over in his mind. One part that particularly stood out was Athena's answer to why she wasn't in uniform. Bobby himself wasn't sure how he felt about Athena going back to work. She had several more weeks of medical leave, but the image her words produced, of doctors and nurses cutting her uniform from her body so they could tend to her wounds impacted Bobby more than he thought. Bobby sighed trying to push the thoughts aside. He didn't need to be thinking about that just yet. Instead he tucked it away to discuss at his next therapy session.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been awhile. I'm trying really hard to focus on the emotional trauma (as you may have guessed from the title of this fic). For me focusing in on the emotions can be exausting to and lately I haven't had the energy. 
> 
> But now I'm happy to present the next chapter!!

"Athena testified yesterday." Bobby announced to Frank. Of course Frank knew that because Bobby had talked about it in his sessions for two weeks. Frank had helped him be supportive of Athena's decision and separate that from his feelings about her attacker.

"How did that go?"

"She did great." Bobby smiled but it wasn't a true smile, not entirely. Frank stayed quiet waiting for Bobby to elaborate on his feelings. In the weeks he had worked with Bobby he learned sometimes Bobby needed a moment with his thoughts before he would talk. "Something she said though. I can't stop thinking about. I don't think she expected the question either." Bobby mused looking out the window.

"What was the question?" Frank asked.

"The attorney representing the women asked her when she first got on the stand about her other times testifying. The attorney made a comment about Athena not being in her uniform. I guess it's a fair question because she wasn't in uniform and she typically does testify in her uniform. Or at least she has in the past. You know, usually she's there in her capacity as a police Sergeant." Frank nodded. Bobby looked down a moment then back to Frank, "But the attorney asked her why she wasn't in uniform and Athena's answer… she said because she had it cut from her body in the ER the last time she wore it, she wasn't ready to put it on again. I…" Bobby struggled for words. Just saying it out loud was hard for him. Emotions he couldn't name swirled, his gut clenched, and Bobby felt helpless again. It triggered memories of her on that gurney, one of the scariest moments in his life. "I haven't thought too much about her returning to work yet." Truthfully he had thought about it, alot, but every time he shoved it as far down as he could, trying to bury the heart stopping fear that accompanied it. "She's got several more weeks of medical leave before she can even begin the process to return, but."

"You don't want to see her put on the uniform again." Frank guessed.

  
Bobby sighed heavily. "I don't know." He said honestly. "I know it's part of the job. This is the reality. I know she's okay, but a piece of my mind won't stop wondering what if. What if it happens again. What if… God forbid something worse happens."

"Isn't that something you've wrestled with even before the attack?" Frank pointed out. "You yourself were in a perilous situation not too long ago with the radiation scare."

"Yes I was."

"I'm not comparing traumas." Frank said. "But it sounds like this isn't the first trauma you've been through. How did Athena feel when you had to go through weekly radiation testing?"

"She was scared." Bobby nodded. "But this feels different."

"You were both hurt in the line of duty. Is hers different because she was assaulted by a person and you were assaulted by a chemical?"

"Well when you say it like that it sounds stupid." Bobby chuckled. "I think it feels different because of the aftermath. Sure I had weekly appointments, but my routine was more or less the same. Athena is on rest and recovery. She spend four days in the hospital. The mental and physical recovery is more noticable. In that courtroom, when she said she was still traumatized by the uniform, I felt relieved. I thought maybe she won't want to go back in the field."

"Do you think that's likely?" Frank made a note to see if Athena mentioned her return in her next session.

"We got into a fight about her testifying the night before. She snapped and said she quit. I think she's just trying to cope right now. I think the thought of returning to work is overwhelming, and I don't think she meant it. I'm scared. I know what it feels like now to think I've lost her and that feeling has stayed with me. If she wants to go back to work I don't want to tell her she can't, but I'm not ready for that."

"Have you told Athena how you feel about this?" Frank questioned. 

Bobby shook his head, "We haven't really talked about it. It's not happening tomorrow or next week so neither of us have brought it up. I know she's scared and feeling lost and uncertain. She doesn't trust herself to do the job right now. I think it's part of the healing process. I think she'll find her confidence again and want to be back out there. I'm just worried about my reaction when that day comes. I don't want to tell her no, she can't do it because I'm not strong enough to handle it. I want to support her and at the same time hold her close and keep her safe. I don't know how to reconcile that."

**

"Athena, you're looking well." Dr. Scott smiled entering the exam room.

Athena gave a nervous laugh. "I'm glad you think so."

Dr. Scott rolled her stool over to where Athena was sitting on the exam table. "Tell me, how are you feeling?"

"I'm in pain. My arm, my ribs, mostly, sometimes my face." Mostly it's a dull ache, just there. Painful enough that I feel it. I'm healing slowly. Each day the bruises fade a little bit more. When my arm isn't hurting the sling reminds me that my arm is broken when I try to move it too much. But I'm moving better and getting used to doing things one handed."

"Are you still seeing Frank?"

  
"I am." Athena nodded. "It is helping. I'm not big about talking about feelings, but I know I can say things there that I'm too afraid to say aloud or to my husband." Athena told Dr. Scott. "It's been a very stressful time for me and my family. Therapy has given me and my husband a place to talk to someone and also to each other in a way that feels safe."

"The cast will be ready to come off in 5 weeks. At that point I'll do a full evaluation to determine your fitness to return to work." Dr. Scott continued her evaluation.

"I'm not sleeping." Athena admitted after Dr. Scott examined the bruise around her eye.

"What does not sleeping mean?" Dr. Scott rubbed foaming hand sanitizer on her hands while she spoke.

"I have nightmares about that night. I wake up in a cold sweat or just stare at the ceiling until I don't even remember falling asleep. I've had a few panic attacks."

"Athena," Dr. Scott spoke gently, "you went through a trauma. It's going to take time not only for you to heal physically, but mentally as well. Mentally, you are still processing the trauma, which is perfectly normal. If you would like I can prescribe a sleep aid."

"No," Athena shook her head. "No medication." She wasn't that desperate for sleep yet and she didn't like the thought of having prescription drugs in the house. 

"I respect your desicion, but I want you to know you should not feel bad for having to take medication." Dr. Scott remembered their discussion when she tried prescribing Athena pain meds when she left the hospital.

"I'm sure. My husband is a recovering alcoholic and addict. I don't want anything in the house that could tigger him while we're going through this." Athena absolutely refused to have pain killers in the house when both her and Bobby were in a vulnerable place. Athena didn't know how they'd get through if Bobby relapsed right now. "I rather be in a bit of pain than worry if my pill bottle is going to disappear." Athena hated to say it. She wanted to have more faith in Bobby, to trust that he wouldn't relapse but she wasn't willing to take the risk.

"Okay." Dr. Scott dropped it. "No meds."

**

That night after the kids were in bed Athena looked up from her book. She heard the kids say good night to Bobby about 5 pages ago. She wondered why Bobby hadn't come to bed. Athena finished her page, marked it with her book mark, and set the book on her side table. She got out of bed, guiding her cast through the sleeve of her robe as she made her way to the door. She left her sling in the bedroom not feeling the need for it.

Her bare feet were quiet on the floor. She spotted Bobby out on the patio. Athena crossed to the sliding door, opening it as quietly as she could. If Bobby noticed he acted like he didn't, his gaze not shifting from the yard. Athena stood in the door way watching him. She knew she should do or say something to announce her presence. Athena felt like she was intruding. It sounded silly even to her, but that's where they were right now. Since the attack Athena and Bobby had danced around each other, not completely intentionally, but they were both coping in their own ways which put some distance between them. Athena was starting to notice that. She wondered if Bobby did too, but before she could ponder that thought for too long his voice broke the silence.

"You can come take a seat." Bobby turned and smiled, acknowledging her presence. He couldn't help but think Athena wouldn't have hesitated to sit next to him 2 weeks ago, but now she had stood in the doorway uncertain if she should.

"I didn't want to bother you." Athena said.

"Athena you're never bothering me." Bobby replied.

"I thought you'd come to bed." Athena changed the subject.

"I needed a minute."

Athena chuckled dryly and looked out into the darkness. "Yeah I know that feeling." Athena sighed. "Bobby, I'm sorry things between us are like this right now."

It was a vague statement but Bobby knew exactly what she was talking about. "It won't be like this forever. We'll get there." Bobby believed it. He didn't know exactly where there was. Was it back to how they were? A better place? 

"Yeah." Athena gently rubbed her ribcage with her hand, trying to soothe the pain that flared up.

"Can I get you anything?" Bobby asked, his eyes on her hand.

"It'll pass in a moment." Athena hoped.

"I can't believe the doctor didn't prescribe you anything for the pain." Bobby shook his head. The noise Athena made caused Bobby's eyes snap up to her. She was keeping something from him.

Athena knew by Bobby's gaze that he knew she was keeping something from him. She caved under his gaze. "Dr. Scott offered. I declined." The discussion had happened one afternoon when Bobby was at home getting some things for Athena and she didn't mention it to him later.

"Why, Athena?" Bobby's wife could be particularly strong willed but this was silly. Bobby felt himself get a bit annoyed that she would be so stubborn to refuse pain meds.

"I…I…" Athena struggled to admit the truth. "I didn't want painkillers in the house." The words sounded as painful from her mouth as they made Athena feel. 

Bobby heard the meaning behind her words loud and clear. "You didn't think I could handle it. You thought I'd take them?" His anger rose as he spoke.

"Bobby." Athena said sharply. "No. It's not like that. I just thought it would be easier on all of us." Athena could tell this conversation was quickly deteriorating. 

"It's fine." Bobby's voice hardened in defense. "You don't trust the addict."

Athena stood up and stood in front of Bobby. This had to end before either of them said somethimg that would cause more damage to their current shaky relationship. "You know that isn't true. When you say stuff like that it hurts me. I trust you with my life." Athena raised her voice to keep Bobby from interjecting. She knew he was going try and say he couldn't protect her that night. "Nothing that has happened has changed that. I wanted this house to be a safe place for us both. I didn't want to have something that might trigger you. Okay?"

"Okay." Bobby took her free hand and stood up. "I love you." He smiled.

"I love you too." Athena felt the warmth his love gave her. Athena kissed Bobby, resting her hand on his neck. 

Bobby returned her kiss gently. "Okay, I'm ready for bed."

"Good." Athena smiled. "Because I am too."

"Wait." Bobby squeezed her hand and Athena stopped. "I would like another kiss."

Athena chuckled. "Oh, I love you." She smiled against his lips. Athena let herself relax a bit in his arms. They had a ways to go but in that moment everything felt right.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athena and Bobby continue their recovery.

"We've been fighting." Athena admitted to Frank without glancing at Bobby, she knew he wouldn't meet her gaze.

"We're not fighting." Bobby contradicted.

"Well not anymore." Athena replied. "Because you cannot fight without talking and we haven't been doing much of that." Bobby didn't dispute that.

"Athena, why don't you start by telling me what has been going on for you."

"I'm still not sleeping too well. I either can't fall alseep or I toss and turn all night. So I've been short tempered lately. But what we've been fighting about is the other night Bobby found out… I told Bobby that I refused to be prescriped any pain meds to keep our home safe. With Bobby's history I didn't want anything tempting in the house while we are going through this. We talked about and I thought we were okay, but it keeps coming up this week."

"Did you want the medication?" Frank asked.

"I didn't want to put Bobby in that position." Athena deflected 

"That's not what I asked."

"Athena can't admit she needs or wants the meds." Bobby spoke. 

"Bobby," Frank said gently. 

"Maybe I did the first few days." Athena said. "But no. I'm fine with taking over the counter Tylenol or Advil. The pain mostly isn't that bad, yes, sometimes it flares but I can handle it."

"Bobby, before I ask you about what happened, I want to know how you have been recently." Frank directed his attention to Bobby.

"There's been alot going on. I went back to work, Harry and May are finishing up the school year. There are several moving parts in our family, many schedules to balance. I understand Athena is still recovering, and that many of the responsbilities are on my shoulders. I'm just saying it's a little overwhelming sometimes, especially as I'm still healing too." Bobby admitted. Athena felt for him. She did know raising a family was challenging. Part of what she loved about her relationship with Bobby was their team work. They were a partnership under the roof of their home and it was hard enough under normal circumstances. 

"How did Athena's decision to forgo pain meds make you feel?"

"It's her decision, I get that." He didn't want Athena or Frank thinking Bobby didn't believe it was her choice. "I just think she made it the wrong way. It should have been about her feelings and pain level, not about how she thought it would effect me. I… It made me feel like you don't trust me." Bobby finally looked at Athena. "You made the decision based on what you felt good about. But what about me? How do you think it makes me feel? You're in pain, I know it's gotten better, but I can't help but think you blame me when you wish you had something stronger in the medicine cabinet. And I have to watch you suffer and know that it's because you didn't think I could handle it? I don't agree with that."

"That's not fair." Athena counter feeling defensive. 

Bobby quickly responded, "Isn't it? You barely look at me. You won't let me touch you. You're avoiding me. How would you know how I would feel about you taking prescription pain meds, if you don't ask!"

"I'm not avoiding you!" Athena raised her voice. "I just can't stand to let you touch me!" Athena's face fell as she realized she said that outloud.

Bobby stared in shock. Silence filled the room.

  
"Okay, let's take a step back." Frank identified a deeper issue. "Athena, why don't you elaborate on your feelings."

"Bobby spooks me. He comes up behind me and touches my shoulder and that night comes flooding back. That man came up behind me and I'm still not comfortable with being touched without warning."

"Bobby I think you can understand Athena's feelings."

Bobby nodded. "Absolutely. Look, I express my love through touch. Yes, I come up behind Athena and hug her and I touch her shoulder or her back when I come up behind her or pass by. I've done it our whole relationship. If Athena would have told me I would have understood. But just avoiding me doesn't help me see what I'm doing is not appreciated."

"Athena, what do you have to say?"

"You wouldn't have understood. You would look at me with those sad eyes and feel sorry for me." Athena huffed. "I…I'm angry. I'm angry at that man for making me feel unsafe. I'm angry I can't help but flashback to that night when you touch me. Do you think I like flinching at your touch? Don't you think I want you to touch me and hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay? Bobby, I…I…"

"Tell Bobby what you need from him. If you don't tell him he doesn't know." Frank said.

"I need space. I need you to communicate with me before you try and touch me." Athena loved Bobby's spontaneous touches, but as long as she was triggered, she needed space. "I don't want to flinch when you touch me and I don't want to hurt you because you scare me."

"I will give you space." Bobby told her. It hurt him to say it. He didn't want to. Bobby wanted to hug her and hold her close and tell her it would be okay. But, watching her shy away and flinch at his touch was more painful. 

Frank glanced at his watch, "That brings us to the end of this session. I want you both to keep communicating with each other this week. It is important that you know what the other needs during this time, even if you don't think there's anything the other person can do, or you don't want them to do anything, that open communication is key to keeping your relationship healthy."

**  
Over the next few days Bobby gave Athena as much space as he could. He stayed on his side of the bed. He didn't come up behind her and hug her. Bobby didn't brush his fingertips against her back when they passed in the kitchen. But Athena seemed to close down more. She spoke less, kept to herself. Bobby took a breath and reminded himself to be patient.

Athena didn't know what to think. She appreciated not being scared out of her skin when Bobby came up behind her, but a part of her missed his hugs and touches. She noticed Bobby skirted around her, keeping as much distance as he could. That's not what Athena wanted. Maybe it's what she thought she wanted, but it wasn't what she actually wanted. Athena remembered what Frank had said. They were supposed to be talking and communicating, but mostly they were silent. Talking when necessary but not about their feelings or what was going on between them.

Athena walked into the kitchen where Bobby had some paperwork laid out on the table. "We need to talk." Athena said boldly.

Bobby looked up, surprised at her seemingly out of the blue declaration. "Okay." He put down his pen and looked up at her.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the pain meds. I'm sorry I didn't ask if it was okay. I shouldn't have assumed, instead I should have talked to you. I'm sorry I made you feel like I was ashamed of you and your past."

Bobby nodded. "Apology accepted." When Athena didn't say anything else Bobby went back to his work.

"There's something else I want to say." Athena said. 

Again Bobby put his pen down and turned his attention to her. "I'm listening."

"I'm sorry I told you I needed space."

"I understand." He really did, "That man assaulted you. He didn't sexually assault you, but he physically assaulted you. He came up behind you. I can see now why that might be a trigger for you. Listen, I just want to help. I don't want to contribute, so I will keep my distance."

"I'm going to kiss you now." Athena announce.

"What?" Bobby was confused.

"You have given me space and I've come to realize that that is not actually what I want. I want you to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. I want you to touch my back when you walk past me, reminding me that I'm not alone. And I miss your hugs. I want you to wrap me in your arms and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I don't need to push you away, I need to pull you in. So," Athena stepped closer. "I'm going to kiss you now."

"Okay." Bobby nodded. 

Athena leaned down tentatively putting her hands on his shoulders. She pressed her lips gently against his. Athena felt Bobby respond pressing his lips back against hers. After several seconds Athena pulled her lips away. She smiled looking into Bobby's eyes. 

Athena kissed him again this time with more force. It was like a switch was flipped on inside her. Warmth quickly spread throughout her body. She missed Bobby's touch, and all the intimacy it involved. Athena stroked Bobby's upper lip with her tongue. Bobby, following her lead, parted his lips so she could deepen the kiss. Athena gently stroked his tongue with her own. Bobby moaned softly into her mouth. Athena continued her exploration of his mouth, slowly. The ache for his touch intensified. 

Bobby moaned. "Athena." He broke the kiss to breathe. "Tell me what you want." Bobby didn't want them to have different expectations of what they were doing.

"I just want you to kiss me." Athena replied. She wasn't ready for more, but she craved his touch.

Bobby nodded. He gently put his hands on her and brought his lips to hers. Bobby had to curb his enthusiasm. A strong part of him wanted her, all of her, right there on the table. It surprised him when Athena put her arms around his neck and sat on his lap. His hands remained still on her sides while they continued to make out. Bobby picked her up and set her on the edge of the table reaching behind her he pushed his papers out of the way. He could sort out the mess later. 

Athena got the messsage. She leaned back on the table and pulled Bobby with her. Bobby was careful not to squish her broken arm.

"Bobby." Athena whispered. She broke the kiss. She loved the fire burning inside her, but that was still all she was ready for tonight. Athena wanted Bobby to know that.

"I know." Bobby said reading the expression on her face. "I just want to feel your body." 

Athena nodded and they continued tonguing. Neither reahed for the others clothing knowing this was the boundary tonight. Bobby would have taken her to bed, or right there on the table, if that was what she wanted. Instead he let her dictate. While Athena's depths ached for a deeper touch, her mind was at easy. She didn't want to jump right into anything. But she was relieved to know Bobby still desired her. An irrational part of her wondered whether he would after everything that happened. She could feel a slight bulge in his pants.

"Bobby," Athena reached up and touched his face. "I love you."

"I love you too." Bobby replied. Athena's eyes closed as he gently kissed her forehead. "Ready for bed?"

"Yes."

That night Athena slept in Bobby's arms. It wasn't a restful night sleep, but every time she woke up she'd snuggle against Bobby reminding herself where she was and who she was with and was able to fall back asleep. 


	11. Chapter 11

"I'm feeling more like myself each day." Athena said with a smile. "I remember the week after the attack and I thought I'd never feel like myself again. I scared the hell of myself and honestly I lost myself."

"And now?" Frank asked making a note.

"I've finally accepted that I'm not going to be the same. I've focused on who I am now not who I was then. Now I think of what I am going to do to make me feel okay."

"You have made progress Athena. I'm glad you are seeing it."

Athena nodded. "I uh went to the station for the first time since I arrived for my shift that night. Yesterday. I went to do some paperwork for my return."

"You've made a decision?" Frank smiled. For a few weeks now Athena had sat on the couch and debated whether she wanted to return.

Athena nodded. "I needed to heal. I'm not saying I'm fully healed or anything, but I feel comfortable again. I can trust myself. Walking into the building I remembered all the reasons I love my job. I know retirement isn't too far off, but I'm not ready to hand in my badge just yet." Athena paused. "The only thing is I haven't told Bobby yet."

"Are you concerned he'll be upset?"

"I don't know. We've talked about it. He thinks I'm still deciding. Bobby has been clear he will support my decision. From the begining, even when I didn't want to talk about he's said he will support me. He could say he's happy for me, but I'm not sure he means it. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know if he's prepared for me to go back to work."

"What do you think should happen next?" Frank asked.

"I want to talk to Bobby. I definitely think I need to tell him I've decided to go back to work. Then maybe I should ask him how that makes him feel. Let him know I know I have his support, but I want to know how he feels."

"I think those are great next steps."

**

"Hey." Athena sat on the couch beside Bobby that night. 

"Hi." Bobby patted his lap and Athena stretched her feet into his lap. 

Athena watched Bobby rub her feet for a few minutes before breaking the silence. "I went to the station yesterday. I had to drop off and sign some forms for my return." Bobby nodded but didn't look at her. "When my leave is up in two weeks I am going to go back to work."

"I support you." Bobby said still not looking at Athena.

"I know that. But that doesn't mean you don't have feelings about it." Athena added.

"I have many feelings about it." Bobby said, his defensiveness starting to show.

"Which is why I'm asking." A small smile appeared on Athena's face. She loved when Bobby was protective of her.

"As a first responder I know the love you have for your job and your community and the people you serve. I support your decision to go back to work. I know how the job makes you feel."

"I'm not asking Captain Nash." Athena retorted with a bit of sass in her voice. "I know he'll be happy to see his favorite police officer out there in the field. I'm asking my husband Bobby how he feels."

"Look," He stopped rubbing her feet and really looked at her. "I'm not making you choose between me and your job. I'm not going to think you are picking work over your family."

"Well good because if you did we would have other issues." She said seriously. Honestly Athena was relieved to hear that. She didn't know if Bobby would give her an ultimatum like that, he might have.

"I am never not going to worry about you out there. Just like I know you worry about me. I know the dangers we face everyday. I'm not going to forget what happened to you. Or how scared I was." Athena reached over and grabbed his hand. "I know you love your job. I can't say I won't be affected or I don't have any feelings. What I can tell you is that it won't change how I feel about you. Im not going to resent you or be angry at you for putting your life on the line everyday. Not only would that make me a hypocrit but it isn't fair to either of us. Athena, I love you and I'm never going to stop."

"I love you too.

  
The couple talked about other things for a while. Then some where the talking stopped and the kissing started. Bobby felt his way up Athena's leg as he leaned over her body and kissed her. Athena couldn't help but arch her back, welcoming his touch. Bobby was mindful to keep his hand on her thight and hip, and not to slip his hand between her thighs. Although Athena moaned in response, he was still cautious of her feelings about being touches. 

Bobby thought it was a good sign that Athena seemed to welcome each of his advances. She let him lean on top of her, wrap her legs around his waist, and touch her a little. He couldn't help but feel hopeful that maybe tonight would be the night Athena would let him take her to bed again. He stood and turned to Athena. "Are you coming?" 

"No I'm going to work on my puzzle for a little bit." Athena replied. Athena had started puzzling a few days after she got home from this hospital. She used to do them and now she had the time. They kept her from going stir crazy. But truthfully, she was somewhat avoiding Bobby. She worried if they went to bed together he would try to initiate sex. Athena wasn't ready for it. She wanted him, she honestly did, but mentally she couldn't really explain it. Just something about the the intimacy and being exposed was still too much for her. Athena didn't know how to explain that to Bobby.

"You sure?" He asked.

Athena nodded. "Good night. I love you." She kissed him. "I know you have an early shift in the morning so I'll try to be quiet coming in."

"Or you could come with me now." He smiled. Bobby didn't want to push Athena so he thought dropping hints might help.

"I'm almost done." Athena glanced down at he puzzle. There were only about thirty pieces left. "I really want to finish."

"Okay." Bobby let her be. 

Athena finished her puzzle in about an hour. By then she thought there was a good chance Bobby would be asleep and she quietly went into the bedroom. Bobby was sound asleep. Athena picked out a night gown and went to change in the bathroom so not to wake Bobby. Tip toeing across the floor Athena dropped her clothes into the hamper and made her way to bed. Carefully she pulled down the covers and got in. Bobby didn't stir.

Athena lay awake. She wasn't tired and it was only 11. "You can't keep doing this to Bobby." She told herself. "You have to tell him something. It's not fair to you or him to keep avoiding him like this. It's not like he doesn't know. Of course he can tell you are avoiding him." Athena knew her internal monologue was right. "Why are you scared?' The monologue continued. "Bobby loves you. He's not going to be mad. If you keep pushing him away, that's what is going to upset him."

Athena lay still as she felt Bobby readjust his position. She was disappointed when she didn't feel his arm around her or him snuggle against her. He was giving her space like they talked about. He had listened when Athena told him he scared her when he touched her expectantly. Bobby was doing all he could to follow Athena's wishes. It was time for Athena to communicate openly with him about her feelings.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well readers, we've reached the end of another story.
> 
> Warning: explicit sexual content

It felt strange to Bobby walking out the door with Athena knowing she was going back to work that morning. Bobby was happy for her, yet in the back of his mind were other feelings: worry, fear, uncertainty. Bobby did his best to stop thinking about them. Athena was cleared to return to active duty and she was ready to go back to work. He had to trust that she would take care of herself.

"Bobby." Athena put her hand on his arm when they reached her car. 

"Hmm." Bobby turned to look at her. Her voice had pulled him from his thoughts.

Athena knit her brows as she studied his face. "You're worried." It was a statement not a question.

"I am." Bobby admitted. "But I know you can take care of yourself out there. You are smart and know what you're doing out there. "

"If it makes you feel better I'll be worrying about you too." Athena gave a small smile having some idea about what was on his mind. "I love you." She said gently.

"I love you too." Bobby leaned down to kiss her and Athena wrapped her arms around his neck. Bobby rested his forehead against hers after the kiss. "See you later Sergeant."

Athena pressed her lips to his. "See you tonight or maybe later on shift." 

Bobby stepped back and let Athena get into her car then walked over to his truck.

**

"Athena!" Buck was the first to make it over to her after they cleared the scene. 

"Hey Buckaroo." Athena smiled as he gave her a hug.

"Thena!" Hen joined them next giving her best friend a million watt smile. Eddie and Chimney also came over to greet Athena.

Bobby, who had been relaying some information into his radio was the last to join his team. As he walked over from the truck he beamed. His wife was laughing and talking with his team. She looked as sexy as ever in her uniform. Athena glanced up and caught Bobby's gaze. The connection was intense. 

"Joining us for lunch Sergeant?" Bobby asked. It was nearing lunch time. Bobby hoped she would say yes. He was already trying to figure out how they could sneak off to his office. 

Athena shook her head, "Captain ordered lunch for the division." Athena knew what he was hinting at. 

Bobby nodded. He was disappointed, but also knew the station was not really the place to sneak off with Athena even if they did it from time to time. It only made Bobby more eager for the end of his shift.

**  
Athena checked her phone when she got home that night. She saw a missed text from Bobby. He was still at the station finishing some paperwork from an employee incident. He made a point to add that Buck was fine and hadn't done something stupid. Athena texted Michael and the kids to let them know that she and Bobby were both done with work for the day. Since the attack, Harry and May were more anxious to hear from Bobby at the end of his shift and now that Athena had started back at work she told them she was okay too.

Athena then headed to the bedroom to change. She was about to change into a night gown when she had a different idea and changed into lingerie instead. She tied a satin robe around her waist. Walking back into the bedroom from the closet she heard her phone ding. It was a text from Bobby letting her know he was on his way. Knowing she had about fifteen minutes, Athena got to work preparing the bedroom. Athena dimmed the lights, lit some candles, and put on some soft music. She left the bedroom door open. Athena went back into the the bathroom to check her appearance one more time. 

"I'm home!" Bobby called out locking the front door behind him. Bobby didn't hear a response but heard the music coming from the bedroom. "Athena?" He said loudly walking into the bedroom. Bobby stopped in the doorway. He realized what he saw in the bedroom. 

"Hi." Athena walked out of the bathroom.

"Hi." Bobby smiled then let his eyes take in her appearance. "Did you do all this?" He glanced around the room. Of course she had done it. Bobby was more looking for her to confirm that it meant what he thought it meant. 

Athena nodded. "I did." She walked over to Bobby and put her arms around him.

"Athena." Bobby said searching her face for an answer.

Athena nodded. "I'm ready. I trusted myself and my instinct out there. I feel good, Bobby." He could hear the happiness and certainty in her voice. He felt his excitement bubbling to the surface "I feel like the only thing that doesn't feel normal is us. We haven't had sex since before the attack. Bobby," Athena felt anticipation churn in her stomach, "make love to me." She begged.

Bobby needed no further encouragement. As her words sank in Bobby felt a rush. He had missed their intimacy and was more than ready. 

Athena welcomed Bobby's hungry kiss. Her own body's needs were awoken. His lips weren't enough. Athena quickly pulled his shirt from his body. She ran her hands hungrily over his chest and up his back, her hands pressed against his warm skin. 

Bobby moaned against Athena's lips. He was liking how fast this was going. They both had a need to be satisfied. Bobby removed Athena's robe. He tossed it somewhere. His hands felt her smooth skin. Suddenly his fingers felt lace. Bobby broke the kiss to look at his wife. As he admired how breathtaking she was his fingertips gently glided over the lace. The longer he looked at her the more uncomfortable his pants became. 

"You are beautiful." Bobby finally formed words.

Athena blushed under the intensity of his gaze. "Thank you. You know, I was kinda hoping you'd help take this off of me." Athena tried to lighten the strong sexual tension the was building rapidly as the lovers stood half naked beside the bed.

Bobby stifled a groan. His hands stilled on her waist. Athena was not making it easier for him. Images of her body parts that were now covered in thin lace appeared in Bobby's mind, only they were no longer concealed. 

"Did I say something?" Athena couldn't take Bobby's silence any longer. 

"No." Bobby said quickly. "I was just thinking about how much I want you."

Athena glanced down. "I know it's been a long time."

"Athena." Bobby lifted her chin gently. "I mean this is for you. Tell me what you want." She had already confirmed she wanted sex, but Bobby wanted to be sure they did it in a way she was comfortable with. Bobby knew what he wanted.

"Well what are you thinking?" Athena asked.

"I want this to be comfortable for you. I want you and I want you feel safe. Honestly, I'm not going to last long the first round, but I don't want to be selfish." Bobby felt like he was busting at the seams already. He ached to feel himself inside her.  
  
Athena touched his cheek, "You are anything but a selfish lover." Bobby was usually very considerate of her needs and certainly always satisfied her. "Just rip the bandaid off and then we can go again." 

"Okay."

Bobby left Athena's bra alone he would take care of that later. Instead Bobby pulled her panties down. Athena moved back onto the bed as Bobby removed his pants. Athena parted her legs and Bobby parted her folds sliding one finger inside her. 

"Oh!" Athema gasped. It felt good, but still a bit foreign too. After the first few thrusts of Bobby's finger it felt familiar again. Athena moaned feeling another finger added. 

Bobby wanted to get Athena close before penetrating her depths with his cock. Watching Athena squirm at his touch only made it harder for Bobby. It didn't take long for Bobby to think she was ready. 

"Are you ready?" Bobby asked Athena.

"Yes please!" She replied.

"Ahhh Athena!" Bobby moaned feeling her around his member. 

Hearing Bobby's pleasure warmed Athena. It cemented in her mind that Bobby still desired intimacy with her. She felt him pull out slightly and then push himself fully inside her. Bobby gasped. His legs trembled as he tried to contain himself. He knew he wasn't going to last long. But he didn't quite expect to be trembling after the second thrust.

"It's okay." Athena told him. It may have been sometime but she knew what it felt like when Bobby was close. Athena smiled looking up at him. "Come for me. I want to feel you come Bobby." 

Bobby felt himself relax. He knew Athena didn't care how long he lasted. She understood he had been extremely patient while she got to a point where she was ready for intimacy. Athena was acknowledging his need and letting him now she was okay with him taking care of his need.

Bobby began moving himself inside her again. Athena encouraged Bobby meeting his thrusts with her own. 

"Athena!" Bobby gasped. His release was inevitable now. "Oh Fuck! Athena!!" Bobby came feeling an enormous amount of satisfaction and relief.

  
"That's was different." Athena remarked lightly when he rolled off of her.

"What?" Bobby asked. 

"Usually you're the one making me swear." Athena pointed out.

Bobby blushed slightly. He didn't swear often and it was even more rare for him to cuss during sex.   
Bobby put his arms around Athena, "Was I okay?"

"Yes." Athena replied. Although it now seemed that her body was remembering how good sex could be and was ready for attention.

"What are you thinking about?" Bobby asked.

"All the ways you can make me scream your name." Athena answered honestly.

"Now that I got that out of my system, I want to romance you Athena. I want us to take out time and reconnect on this level."

"I'd like that too." Athena nodded. "Just you and me and what feels right." Athena planted a soft kiss on his lips. 

Athena tentatively positioned herself on top of Bobby. She leaned down to kiss him. After sharing a few tender kissed she moved her lips down his neck, slowly leaving a trail of kisses. Bobby gently stroked the top of her thighs with his hands. He was letting Athena familiarized herself with him again. Athena knew she had reached one of Bobby's favorite places when he sucked in a breath of air sharply. Athena made little circles with her tongue around the spot on his neck. She sucked. Gently at first then a little harder. Bobby groaned, his hips thrusting into Athena. Athena's own body reacted to Bobby's pressing against her. 

Again Athena felt excitment mixed with some nerves and anticipation. Athena continued to tease Bobby by sucking on his neck and occasionally tasting his skin with her tongue. 

"Athena." Bobby moaned audibly. His erection now noticable. While he knew he would have more discipline and patients this time, Bobby was only human. He could only handle so much of his wife's teasing, not to mention she was mostly naked on top of him. 

Athena raised her lips back up to his. Bobby moaned against her lips as he felt her hips start gently rocking against his. Bobby rolled over so Athena was now under him. 

Now it was Bobby's turn to explore his wife's body. With some help from Athena he removed her bra. Bobby dropped his head to her chest. Gently he taste and teased each nipple. Athena fingered his hair. His breath caused goosebumps while his lips illicted moans from hers. 

Athena could feel the desire pooling between her legs, but she knew Bobby wasn't in a rush and for now he was satisfying her need for him. Athena could feel his cock pressed against her thigh. Athena took him in her hand. Bobby's lips froze for a moment as he felt her soft hand on him. 

Bobby looked up at Athena. He gently thursted himself into her hand. Athena bit her lip. Bobby looked warmly at her. He carassed her hip with his hand. Athena moved her hands up his chest. Bobby wiggled his way down on the bed. He kissed her inner thigh working his way closer to her pussy, but before he got there he switched and kissed up her other thigh.

"Athena." Bobby said raising his eyes to her face.

Athena nodded. She didn't know what she expected, but when she felt Bobby press his lips gently against her pussy she sucked in a breath. She had forgotten what it felt like. Warmth flooded her body as Bobby parted her with his tongue.

"Bobby!" Athena moaned. She spread her thighs for him. Bobby pushed his tongue between her folds tasting the wetness pooling there. "Ahh!" Athena cried out, her hips thrusting into Bobby's face.

The sounds coming from Athena only encouraged Bobby more. He loved hearing the sounds she made.   
Athena began to whimper as Bobby drove her closer to her climax. Athena wiggled trying to bring her self over the edge. Only after Athena begged did Bobby let her come. Athena's hips bucked madly as Bobby tasted every drop of her release. 

Bobby smiled listening to Athena breathing heavily.  
The sweat glistening on her body and her messy hair only made her more alluring. 

"I love you." He told Athena before kissing her.

"Mm." Athena said breaking the kiss. "I love you."

Bobby kissed Athena again. This kiss was slow and initmate. Like they had been for the past few weeks, Athena and Bobby let their tongues dance together. The hunger for more building slowly, but this time they both knew there was more to come. Bobby laced his fingers with Athena's. Their palms pressed together. 

Athena broke the kiss to fill her lungs with a few breaths of air. Bobby's warm eyes were looking gently at her. His lips were a bit red and plump. Athena knew hers were the same. She raised her lips back up to his. Athena wrapped her legs around Bobby's waist. She felt the pulsing desire in her depths. 

Bobby's still had some nerves. He wanted this time to be about their connection whereas the first time was mostly for his own relief.

"Bobby, I'm ready." Athena said when their lips parted again.

Bobby slowly entered her. He pulled out and thrusted in a little farther. With each thrust he pushed himself a little deeper. Athena felt her pussy stretch to accommodate Bobby's size. She arched her hips to meet his. 

"Oh Bobby!" Athena moaned once his member was fully inside her. "Yes!" He felt so good.

Athena and Bobby's hips rocked together gradually increasing in speed. Bobby pushed Athena's hands up by her head. His grip on her hands was gently. 

Bobby groaned, "Athena." She was started to gently contract her pussy around his member. Bobby's next thrust was harder.

"Oh!" Athena gasped. 

Bobby grunted as he continued to set the pace. Athena moans accompanied his noises. As she got closer to climax Athena's moans turned to whimpers. 

"Please, Bobby." Athena panted. She felt his fingers slip between them and his thumb found her clit. "Oh, Oh Bobby!" Athena cried out. She kept her gaze fixed on Bobby. "Yes…yes…OH FUCK!! OOHAHH! BOBBY!" Athena climaxed.

Bobby continued to thrust as her pussy contracted around him. "Ah.. ah... Athena! Bobby's tossed his head back as he released himself inside her. His arms shook as he held himself as steady as he could. 

Her mind clear and blissful. The sounds of her heart pounding in her chest and Bobby breathing heavily beside her on the bed brought a smile to her face. Athena almost felt more alive now than she did as Bobby made her come. She felt desired, she felt like a woman, she felt whole again. Athena was completely satisfied. "Thank you." Athena gasped for air.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you don't have to thank me for sex." 

"No." Athena reached for his face and made him look at her. "I mean it. Thank you. Thank you for being patient. Thank you for letting me come to you on my own time. You never made me feel pressured." Athena had put the pressure on herself to open up to Bobby and let herself be loved again by him.

"Baby, I know you were healing. I understand it's a not a simple thing, but I'm so glad you feel comfortable with me again." 

"I know how eager you were for me to come back to you." Athena said playfully teasing him about what happened earlier in the evening when he came almost instantly. Athena's face change drastically.

"Thena?" Bobby noticed.

"When's the last time we had sex?" She asked.

"Like a minute ago." Bobby accepted the light slap from Athena. He knew what she meant.

"Honestly." She replied. "I know it was obviously before the attack and that was almost two months ago.

"I don't know." When he was less patient in holding out for Athena he thought about how long it had been, but now he couldn't recall. "A long time."

"I missed you." Athena kissed Bobby. "It's not just the sex." Athena continued. "It's the way I feel when I'm with you. How we connect physically and emotionally. I don't think sex has ever been purely physical for us. Sure, there have been times when it was quick and dirty and about getting off, but I always feel liked we are still emotionally connecting."

"I feel that too." Bobby nodded.

"That's the part I have been struggling with. I want you to know. It's not that I didn't want to have sex with you, but that I feared the emotional vulnerability. I wasn't ready for that. I couldn't trust myself so it was impossible for me to open myself up to that."

"What about now?"

"I thinking starting back at work was the last bit of healing. Knowing that I trusted myself fully was exactly what I was missing. I never stopped trusting you." Athena added.

"I'm just glad you are feeling like yourself. The past few months haven't been easy on us. I know we've both hit lows where we didn't know what would come of our relationship but I'm sure glad we got through it together."

Athena nodded. Although she felt some guilt about questioning her marriage throughout her healing process, Athena knew it was just that, part of the process. "And we both have the day off tomorrow." Athena kissed Bobby's throat. Her hand slid suggestively down his chest.

"Don't think you'll be sore tomorrow?" Bobby asked getting her not so subtle hint.

Athena shrugged. "I hope you keep me sore for at least a week."

"Athena?!" Bobby blushed.

"What?" She laughed. "I'm just saying I see alot of sex in our future."

Bobby beamed, his face still a little red, "Be careful what you wish for babe. You know what I can do." Bobby couldn't help bit be a little cocky. "You know I can put it down on you." Bobby flirted.

"I'm counting on it Captain."


End file.
